Solitaire and Structure

I cheat at solitaire. Compulsively, consistently, without guilt. I know it's wrong. I know it ruins the point of the game (sort of - the way I do it I can still lose, and frequently do) and deteriorates my moral fiber and whatever else. But I've always done it. I always will.

I just don't keep promises or resolutions I make for myself. I don't keep my own secrets. Sometimes I wonder if I lack self-respect, but that seems trite and unlike me. It's just, the bargaining and controls most people put on their lives in order to function don't work for me. "I'll work, and then I'll play." "I'll have a salad for lunch because I had dessert last night." "I will pay all my bills, balance my checkbook, and then see if I have enough left to go out to dinner." All normal, adult "bargains" - and all predicated on an ability to keep compacts with oneself.

Other people's deadlines and requirements, promises I make to other people, other people's secrets, etc., I do okay with. The occasional fuckup, in the general humanity way, but mostly fairly trustworthy and ... hmmm, not "reliable", too flaky for that, but honest, committed, certainly. But my own stuff? No. I need external structure.

This failure to structure my own things is one of the grand themes of my fairly un-grand life, so I think about it a lot. But today, specifically, it was brought to mind when I got a phone call from my director, who will be leaving our project soon, leaving me in charge. I've been more or less in charge for quite some time, but I still find this terrifying. In any case, she spent several minutes (she has been a mentor as well as a boss to me for many years) telling me how well I've been doing my job and how thrilled she is about my performance and how proud of me she is.

Lord, do I ever feel like a fraud.

But, you know, as lazy as I am, and as much as I put things off, everything gets done. Pretty much on time. To the satisfaction of most. But the way it all plays out leaves me really unhappy with myself. I need to work with a local team of other people I respect to really do my best,* not be isolated (geographically and project-wise) like I am now. One more year, and I can move on. I need to start re-polishing my other job skills.

In the interim, it's just me. And this job. And a long, agonizing crawl through self-imposed deadlines and attempts to structure my own time and a constant feeling of unworthiness and failure.

Whee.

* I respect all the people I work with now and don't mean to imply otherwise, but they're all located several hours away from me.

Enough of my whinging. Life could be so much worse. At least I'm not Catholic.