i am no friend to the undertow

I just found my first grey hair. And then I found another one. Damnit.

Lately I feel as though events in my life are conspiring to change my focus, to say to me, "you are paying attention to the wrong things." This is a message that makes me want to stick my fingers in my ears and say lalalala, I can't heeeaaar you.

I have to stop rebelling against the inevitable, or against my own choices. I need not to think so much about myself, about what goes wrong, about failure, and to think more about others, what I have, what is possible.

But I am not happy with change. Some large part of me would like to stay solitary and/or sedentary all my days, despite my complaints about the current state of affairs, rather than move onward. I recognize this even as I take the steps to make change happen. I'm not sure if I'm pushing or pulling myself, but there is a serious amount of resistance.