All my comfort food is gross
I woke up this morning at five, from a horrible dream in which I wanted, but could not have, a deli sandwich. (You're not supposed to each lunch meat when you're pregnant, for some unfathomable reason.) I'd gone to bed the night before without dinner, because I was feeling nauseated and horrible (even though everyone promised me there would not be nausea at this point) and so I dreamed that I was hungry, hungry, hungry, and there was nothing I could eat. I went, in my dream, to my desk, and pulled out my stash of various snack foods, and they were all icky in some way. I had a pack of cookies, even, the kind of cookies that cause paroxysms of ecstasy in normal people, they are so good and chocolate-chippy. And I opened the package and started crying, and said to my mother, who was watching me, perplexed, "I'm so hungry, and all my comfort food is gross." I know it doesn't sound like much, but I was so upset when I woke up that I cried for real.
Depression is, actually, a lot like my dream. I'm hungry all the time - for something I can't name, and my usual comforts are all gross. It's why I might as well work while I'm depressed (though it's easier said than done when your work requires research and thought), because even if I try to comfort myself - let myself read novels, or play video games, or surf the web - it all feels gross. Nothing really helps, not exercise, not hugs, not leisure, not work, not treats, not sleep, not nothing. I just have to weather it. I read in one of my pregnancy books that one in ten women gets depressed during pregnancy; figures I would be one, as I've only managed to be off antidepressants for two years since graduating from college. And the doctor says I will be at high risk for postpartum depression, which I was already prepared for. I don't want to go back on the pills; I'm not comfortable with the number of trials done with SSRIs and pregnancy, and certainly not willing to take risks in that department, since I'm functional and all.
I just...my life is good, okay? I can look at it objectively and say, this is the good life. I have everything I need and almost everything I ever wanted and I am loved by a large number of wonderful people. Feeling the way I do is just so fucking counterintuitive that I could scream. I do not want to be this negative shut-in who spends her days struggling to just do a few chores and maybe leave the house. I want to enjoy this good life that I have. Goddamnit.
Depression is, actually, a lot like my dream. I'm hungry all the time - for something I can't name, and my usual comforts are all gross. It's why I might as well work while I'm depressed (though it's easier said than done when your work requires research and thought), because even if I try to comfort myself - let myself read novels, or play video games, or surf the web - it all feels gross. Nothing really helps, not exercise, not hugs, not leisure, not work, not treats, not sleep, not nothing. I just have to weather it. I read in one of my pregnancy books that one in ten women gets depressed during pregnancy; figures I would be one, as I've only managed to be off antidepressants for two years since graduating from college. And the doctor says I will be at high risk for postpartum depression, which I was already prepared for. I don't want to go back on the pills; I'm not comfortable with the number of trials done with SSRIs and pregnancy, and certainly not willing to take risks in that department, since I'm functional and all.
I just...my life is good, okay? I can look at it objectively and say, this is the good life. I have everything I need and almost everything I ever wanted and I am loved by a large number of wonderful people. Feeling the way I do is just so fucking counterintuitive that I could scream. I do not want to be this negative shut-in who spends her days struggling to just do a few chores and maybe leave the house. I want to enjoy this good life that I have. Goddamnit.
posted by The Stute Fish at 16:45
1 Comments:
hang in there. the beginning of 2nd tri was really hard for me emotionally (not sure why, a chemical thing). once i got over the morning sickness i thought i should feel good, and i didn't. it has only been in the last two weeks (wks 20-22) that i have started feeling happy again. i hope you have a similar experience. it was like i had been living under an umbrella that suddenly closed and i could see the sky that had been there all along.
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