Happy birthday to me

I am not doing anything special to celebrate today. I can't even have cake, due to the Squid's milk protein allergies. But you know, I don't need to do anything special. I have a wonderful partner, a wonderful baby, a loving family, fabulous friends both online and off, health, wealth, and all manner of other good fortune. And my grandmother, whom all the doctors and specialists said would never get better, has almost fully recovered and will be leaving the nursing home to live with my aunt again next week. My life is something special, and don't think I don't know it.

Gringo Brunch: Update

The first "Gringo Brunch" will be held at my house on Sunday, July 16, 2006. Please email me or comment if you'd like to attend and didn't get the information, and I'll send it out to you ASAP!

Postpartum package

So I just sent a "baby gift" off to a good friend who is due in July. Only it wasn't really a baby gift. I mean, let's face it, babies need a couple of blankets, some boobs, and loving arms to hold them, maybe a drawer to sleep in. Everything else is a "new parent" gift, designed to help the parents soothe, dress, clean, contain, diaper, or transport the baby in a way that meets their own needs and societal expectations for what is "appropriate." In that spirit, I put together a "baby" gift that is more of a "postpartum mama" gift - all the things a mama needs postpartum that you can't register for and that you might not think to buy for yourself.

Mamas might not use everything in the package, but it's a fair bet they'll need at least half of it. And of course, these are some very personal items, so I wouldn't give this to, say, a casual acquaintance or daughter of a co-worker, only to a good friend. That said, the package included:

• a package of breast pads
  
• breast "shells" for sore nipples
  
• lanolin ointment (for sore nipples)
  
• a tube of vaseline (helps prevent meconium from sticking; also good for circumcision care)
  
• gauze pads (for circumcision care)
  
• a package of super-absorbent menstrual pads (I don't need to go into what these are for)
  
• witch hazel (frozen witch-hazel-soaked pads are supposed to be good for perineal care)
  
• stool softeners (benefiber or similar)
  
• baby oil (for cradle cap, if necessary)
  
• baby wash/shampoo (for washing baby, doyee)
  
• nuks/binks (many people choose not to use these, but it's nice to have them around if you want to try them)
  
• A copy of The Happiest Baby On The Block (DVD)
  
• nail files (those little claws get sharp!)
  
• a homemade microwaveable heating pad (for plugged milk ducts)
  
• Heading Home With Your Newborn: From Birth To Reality (an excellent AAP early-weeks info book; for longer-term information, I'm using The Mother Of All Baby Books: A Guide To Your Baby's First Year)
  
• earplugs

Optional - I didn't include these, but they might also be good:

• diaper rash creme
  
• simethicone drops (infant gas meds)
  
• baby nail clippers
  
• 40"x40" or larger swaddling blanket(s) (see below for notes)

I also included a few baby books and DVDs of which we had multiples, just because. And probably a few other things I'm forgetting here.

This seems like the right post to give some early-months crafty ideas, too. These are two baby-care-related things that are easily made at home that can be expensive/inferior when purchased in stores. They make good gifts, or good "things to keep", and are inexpensive and fast to do - unless you have a newborn. The first project took me about two months from start to finish, because I started it after the Squid arrived. Both projects could be easily completed by non-parents (after materials purchase, etc.) in half an hour or so.

(1) Heating pad. The heating pad I mentioned above was a piece of flannel and a washcloth folded in half, filled with a cup and a half of rice, and stitched closed. I made a pretty flannel cover for it, and blanket stitched the cover to the washcloth - I suppose you could make the cover removable for washing, too, with a few non-metallic buttons. Cheap, easy, and fast. Microwaving the pad for 1 minute 15 seconds makes a great heat source for unblocking plugged ducts - it's also useful later, when the evil monthly cramps return. I made one for myself at the same time.

(2) Swaddling blankets of a reasonable size. Everything says to swaddle your baby to help it sleep, and it really works. Problem is, most swaddling blankets are less than 40" square - far too small for regular-sized infants, who will thrash their way out of the tightest swaddles in minutes. The usable options on the market are all either pricey, gimmicky, or both - why not make your own? A 1.25-yard piece of 45" light flannel makes an ample swaddling blanket that will "fit" babies up to six months, at least. If you have a serger, just serge the non-selvedge edges; if you have a regular sewing machine, single-stitch and trim to prevent fraying, or even roll the edges over to stitch; the seam won't be bulky enough to irritate your little one. This also lets you get nicer prints, in gender-neutral colors. I would have included one of these in my package, but my sewing machine broke halfway through the first one, and I haven't been able to find time to get it fixed yet. I had to send the package so it would arrive before she had the baby, so that took precedence - oh well!

World Cup '06

I got to finally watch some of the World Cup games this weekend - I caught the Ghana/Czech Republic game live, which was awesome, and the USA/Italy in replay, because my TiVo hates me and recorded one of my husband's woodworking programs instead. I'd watched a few other games here and there, in recorded snatches between work and babywrangling, but these I got to watch entire. And if I'd chosen two games to watch thus far, these might have been the ones anyway. Underdogs are so awesome when they are in plucky mode.

My daycare provider had just been telling me about how her grandson cried after he scored an own goal, so I was glad to be able to tell her, "Look! Even the pros do it!" - though her grandson surely knows this by now, as he was in Italy with his grandpa during the match. Zaccardo might want to think about engaging some extra security when he heads home, though; own goals are dangerous things. I know it was only that stroke of luck for the US that evened the score, but I was proud of us; we showed well against a tough team. If our shooting accuracy were just a touch better, we'd have won.

The pregame coverage included some old footage of Italy's World Cup win in 1982. Sadly, my only thought upon seeing it was, "Hey, I hope they bring back the short shorts again, because wow, look at that." Um. It is possible that I am both shallow and prurient and therefore not fit to be a true fan of the Beautiful Game. Still, I mean, you want to pander to reach the female viewers, I have a few suggestions...

God, I love this game. I should start following MLS - I didn't for years, because we didn't have cable TV, but now we do, and there is no excuse, though we recently lost our local team to Houston, wah. I played for...eleven seasons, from bunchball under-six in the local youth soccer league to the first year of high school on the budding women's team. I always sucked, this I do not deny - but I played for the love of it, which explains how I can still root for my national team with total fervor despite a realistic assessment of our chances. But hey, we've got a fighting chance next year, in China. I forsee a lot of lost sleep for that one, as I try to watch the games live despite a 15-hour time difference.

And now, let me share with you the most pathetic thing I have ever done because of World Cup soccer. Um, remember the Mastercard commercial that ran during the 1998 Men's World Cup in France? People with painted faces, weird liturgical/dance music playing? I can't describe it, but I watched it enough times that I got the song stuck in my head. And I emailed Mastercard and asked them what song it was. It's from an eponymous album by a vaguely Gothic British group named Era, and the song's name is "Ameno". And, er ... here it is. If you want it. Because I went out and bought the album.

World Cup 2006 blogs I am reading: Tony Karon's Osama, Screaming At The TV and DF in Deutschland: World Cup '06. Any good ones I'm missing?

Bay Area peeps

I need to structure my local social life a bit more, or I'll forget to have one. To that end:

I've been talking to a few people about holding "Gringo Nights" once a month - an evening for those of us who once spoke Spanish but who are too embarrassed about the atrophied state of our skills to talk to native speakers. We would eat the food of Spanish-speaking countries (potluck or chip-in), watch Spanish-language films with the subtitles off, and speak only Spanish to one another (bring your dictionary!) Does this sound interesting to anyone?

Alternatively/additionally, I'd like to gauge interest in "Lao Wai Nights" - same concept, only for non-native speakers of Mandarin Chinese.

I'd offer to host these at first, and then maybe we could make them rotate houses if the idea caught on. Of course, everyone would be welcome to attend - NbN readers, friends/partners of readers, gringos, non-gringos, lao wai, non-lao wai, beginners, advanced speakers, whatever, with the focus being for non-native speakers who want to brush up their skills at whatever level. I don't know if kid-friendly is a good idea or not; I'm inclined to think so, as leaving kids out limits attendance for so many folks, but what do you think?

ETA: A friend mentioned that a once-a-month weekend brunch might be easier for those of us with kids - if that sounds good, let me know in comments. Too bad we're booked for June here at Casa NbN, or we could do a Gringo Copa viewing, and drink Corona while yelling at the ref in broken Spanish...

Leave me a comment to let me know if you'd be interested in:
1) Gringo nights
2) Lao Wai Nights
and tell me what you think about the kid issue, brunch v. dinner, or any other ways to make this more feasible/interesting. Be sure to include your email in your comment or signature!

A Day In The Life III

Month 3. 24 hours.

Again, 4 hours minimum for basic hygiene and food prep/consumption (2) and picking up after self and baby (2).

Eating (and burping, etc.)...gone down to 5 hours, I'd say, due to increased efficiency and a dropped feeding in the evenings (hooray!) Some days he ate every hour or two, some every four hours - it varied a lot.

15 hours left...

I guess at this point it depends on your baby's temperament. I was very invested in this idea that the Squid was an "easy baby" - the first three weeks, he really wasn't fussy, and his sleep patterns have been pretty good all along. But with the colic and other food issues, the non-fussiness really ceased to be the case after the first three weeks. And I just...didn't realize it, until I went to the "new parents" group at the hospital a few weeks ago. And those babies (all within a few weeks of his age) were not crying, or fussing, or needing to be soothed constantly. There was a little grizzling here and there, but it wasn't constant. They were awake and alert and not unhappy. This was a revelation to me.

Since then, people who spend a lot of time with the Squid have told me that no, it's not usual for a baby to be so unhappy. His gassy tummy has really impacted the care he requires and the way he behaves; he just feels bad a lot of the time, so he fusses and yowls and hollers. We're probably the opposite of the "average" baby on this point - the Mayo Clinic book says the average 2-4 month old fusses/cries about two hours a day - we get about 2 hours a day of alert and calm/happy time. So the rest of the non-sleeping non-eating time is bouncing, soothing, walks, more bouncing, dancing, distraction, burping, anything to make the baby happy. Anything.

I wrote that last week, and am glad to report that since then - exactly at the three-month mark, as everyone had predicted - the tummy issues seem to be on the wane. *knocks on wood* He still refuses to be put down for longer than a few minutes while awake, but our interactions are less of the constant soothing variety and more "conversations," play, book-reading, singing, and smiles. He even had uneventful plane flights last week.

In any case, this category has expanded...basically, to fit the time available. He sleeps about seven hours each night, and naps only 2-4 hours during the day, so that's...five to seven hours a day of general squidwrangling. It's all getting to be much more fun, though, with the increased alertness and happiness and all the new little skills he's picking up.

I'm getting a full night's sleep (interrupted or no) most nights now, when I am not having the insomnia issues and I am at home so Himself can help out. And during the day, now that I'm back at work, the Squid will be at daycare. Life is slowly settling into a manageable state vis a vis sleep and babycare, though teething and various other coming changes and upsets make that a precarious equilibrium, one that will likely disappear and re-appear for the next several years.

I won't be tracking time like this on the blog from here on out, but I'm glad I did it for the first three months, since I'm sure I'll forget what life was actually like - it's already all hazy from sleep deprivation, and I'm sure it will get hazier as time passes. This blog is all the "baby book" I'm ever going to manage, so if you find some of the parenting stuff boring, I'm sorry - but I'm writing it down for myself as much as anyone.

Update on Pine Ridge Indian Reservation Planned Parenthood.

The Oglala Sioux in South Dakota have voted to ban all abortions on tribal land. There do appear to be plans for a clinic of some sort (not Planned Parenthood, though) ongoing, but the tribe has also said that donations will be returned, so I'm not sure how that works.

This looks to me, from what I have read elsewhere on the 'net, to be partially a cultural issue, and partially fallout from a personality war; it seems that Ms. Fire Thunder, rightly or wrongly, has many vehement detractors within her own tribe. As outspoken, strong women often do. From my own (non-native, outside) perspective, I'm quite sad about this, and wonder if the well-meant fervor of white/liberal/feminist bloggers such as myself triggered a greater backlash than might otherwise have ocurred.

This highlights something that Himself has always maintained about international aid/rights/education/justice organizations, and which I tend to discount more than, perhaps, I ought - it's difficult to lend aid or support or assistance across borders without also bringing the baggage of a cultural agenda that dictates what is "good" or "helpful." On a much larger scale, with a great deal more doyee, stupid involved, the ongoing nature of the Iraqi "reconstruction" should have shown us that.

Well-meant is not always or even mostly well-done, I guess.

Which brings me to another post I've been thinking about, a sort of "yes, but" corollary to the Kung Fu Monkey Memorial Day post about support for the troops. I think I tend to assume that people are good at heart, that they mean well. What I often fail to take into account is that well-meaning people who are good at heart are not in any way, shape, or form exempt from ignorance, bigotry, cruelty, or a variety of nefarious 'isms that lead to negative actions and consequences. It's one of those weird cognitive dissonance things about being human. But there's more to be said about that, and it will have to wait for another time.

Reunification

Some things are just too good for me to be able to write about them properly. My recent college reunion weekend is one such thing. It was only two days, but in two days I visited with ten friends...totally apart from the excellent conversations and re-connections I managed through the reunion dinner itself.

I said to my friend I. after she came to visit a few weeks ago that I felt, I don't know, rejuvenated or refreshed or re-set or something after having such a wonderful time with her. And it's really indescribable, what time around good people can do for my outlook on life, the universe, and everything. I get...not lonely, per se, but isolated, sometimes, knowing very few people in my immediate geographic area. I have Himself, and the Squid, and a close friend or two within an hour's drive, my parents within an hour and a half, and my internet friends - but no local community.

Even after eight years in California, I still have more friends in Portland than I do in the whole state down here. Wonderful friends, amazing friends, comfortable friends I don't have to feel like a guest with, or worry about being a host with. I love it. I miss it.

Almost everyone I saw, actually, lives in the area year-round (except friend S, who drove down from Washington just to see me, which was no end of awesome). Which sort of begs the question of why I went for my reunion, anyway, instead of taking a longer weekend another time. The answer to that came to me on Saturday afternoon, as I re-connected with my friend A. A and I were friends from...hmmm, 94/95 on? From our Milton study group with friend K to our late-night drunken Grabble games with his whole household the year after we graduated, A has been a wonderful and essential friend to me. Nobody else is quite like him. Nobody thinks quite like him. Nobody else knows what Oscar Wilde would have said, at any given moment.

Of course, A's been living in Hungary for about five years now, since leaving his doctoral program for greener pastures...which means I last saw him five years ago, at our last reunion. We'd fallen out of touch, the collateral damage of time and distance, & etc. So re-connecting with him was, essentially, the point of the trip qua reunion, as opposed to a more generalized visit-to-the-Northwest. And it was wonderful, which is all I can say about it, and far less than would do it justice.

I also saw four old lovers, three friends' children, two former housemates, and ... okay, no partridge in a pear tree, but I did see a stand-up economist, who was pretty damn funny. I got to have lunch and brunch with dear friends on both days, people I don't see nearly often enough, some of whom used to be so woven into the fabric of my daily life that I still feel their absence regularly. I saw babies I'd never met, some of whom are now Big Kids, and met spouses I'd never gotten the chance to know. I saw friends in their early twenties and friends in their forty- and fifty-mumbles, and caught up with people I hadn't seen in a decade who turn out to live within half an hour of me.

Of course, I packed people into every minute of the trip, and still couldn't see everyone I wanted to. I think I had this strange idea that since the Squid came along, it will be harder to hold onto friendships - and so I tried to see everyone, all at once. I wanted days with everyone I got hours with, hours with everyone I got minutes with. But that's greed, and I count myself lucky to have had the time I did - and twice lucky that the Squid traveled so well and was so amiable about the whole adventure.

I just re-read this, and it's clear to me that I have failed to describe the awesomeness of the weekend, and equally clear that the words will not be forthcoming. I had rambles in the canyon and excellent food, time with the baby and flopping on sofas, beer and coffee and hugs and good conversation and fireworks and friends and everything but sleep. It was, in a word, perfect.

Oh, Goddamnit.

I forgot to vote yesterday.

Yes, that's right. I forgot. To vote.

My friend Ces even reminded me, and I said, "Oh shit, that's right" ... and then forgot again.

It was my first day back at work that didn't involve out-of-town meetings, I was burninated from five straight days of solo squidwrangling, and the baby was fussy and the fridge was bare, but holy shit.

At five-thirty a.m. this morning, scrounging frantically through my still-not-unpacked suitcase for earplugs, desperate for sleep (having gotten about four hours for the whole night thus far), I ran across my voter information pamphlet and sample ballot, unread and unused.

I cried. I cried for about half an hour. I cried so hard I woke my poor husband up. I cried myself back to sleep.

At least I wasn't incredibly passionate about any of the races/issues this time, but my God. I forgot to vote. I mean, who does that?! Aside from, you know, sixty percent of Americans.

Squidbits

On progress: The Squid is three months old today, and he can smile, and find his mouth with his fist, and focus on toys and books, and recognize people, and track dogs and objects in motion. He occasionally sleeps through the night (for values of "through the night" equal to ~6 hours at a stretch) and seems to be partially growing out of his colic - there are whole hours of the day in which he is awake and not miserable, these days. It feels miraculous to have that alert time that is not spent either staving off or enduring howling, and Himself and I are looking forward to more of it as he gets less gassy. He has more than doubled his birthweight (almost 14 pounds now) and his eyes have completed their color change from blue to brown. His face is so mobile - he has a million expressions now. I think after his smile I love his pout-face best.



On sleep: The only recipe for somnambulance greater than being the parent of a newborn is being the parent of a newborn and also suffering from insomnia. Envy me, because I am just that awesome. I found an article through a friend's blog that suggests that perhaps babies monitor parents' sleep patterns and react to them. I sure as hell hope not, because hours of tossing and turning makes me a crappy role model for sleep.

So I complained to my friend S that I was having insomnia issues.

"The baby's sleeping fine, most nights," I said, "and I could get a full night's sleep if only I could get to sleep."

"Oh," she said, "Are you having trouble putting yourself down?"

After I finished with the helpless laughter, it occurred to me that it's not far from the truth. I've tried self-soothing, I've tried extra blankets and white noise, and I've tried nursing myself down with a beer. I've even tried to cry it out a time or two. Maybe I need me an adult-size vibrating bouncy chair like the one that works so well for the Squid.

On watching my big mouth:
Scene: The family is sitting around the den, eating dinner and hanging out.

Squid: *big, broad baby smile*
Me: "Oh, I love your smiles! They are so great! They are like crack to me! Do it again!"
Himself: ...
Me: ???
Himself: ...
Me: (to Squid, in a cutesypoo baby voice) "Do you know what 'crack' is, honey?"
Himself: "Oh my God."

On self-revelations: Parenthood, I can see, is going to be like a mirror that shows me lots of truths about myself that I did not want to recognize. The most recent unwelcome revelation being that I do not like it when people expect things of me, or demand things of me. I prefer all of my giving to be done in a way that makes me look generous and thoughtful, not in a well-of-course way that can be taken for granted. I don't think this is one of those things that disqualifies me from being a good parent - I think it's probably fairly human, all in all - but it's not pretty, and it's something I have to watch now that someone does expect and demand so very much from me so very constantly. I handle this, as everything, with better grace when I've had enough sleep, but I can't count on those conditions being maintained. I need to develop grace under pressure, as well.

On chaos: The Squid had his first half-day at daycare with A on Tuesday, and I have returned to work as of Thursday. He'll have his first plane flight Saturday morning. As a matter of fact, our schedule for the week:

• Tuesday: drop off Squid with A for "trial run" daycare half-day; try valiantly to read and absorb 400-page work document in four hours. Fail.
  
• Wednesday: new parents group in the South Bay in the a.m., Vallejo in the afternoon, drop off Squid with my-mother-God-bless-her, Napa in the evening for part of a freelance project.
  
• Thursday: first day officially back at work - drive to LA in early a.m., drop off Squid at drop-in infant care, facilitate public meeting, pick up Squid, visit Grammy.
  
• Friday: drop off Squid at drop-in infant care, meet with people for part of (another) freelance project, pick up Squid, visit Grammy, catch up with work email, read the rest of 400-page monster document.
  
• Saturday: fly to Portland for college reunion, lunch with friends, dinner with alumni.
  
• Sunday: brunch with friends, rest of the day with friend S.
  
• Monday: fly to Sacramento, facilitate public meeting (my-mother-God-bless-her wrangles Squid), drive to Vallejo, pick up car, drive to South Bay, collapse.

Six towns in six days, eight if you don't count the L.A. metro area's various components as one big town. Oof.



On life: I had two conflicting ideas, before the Squid came along, about what life with him might be like. One was that everything would stop - I would never be able to go out or do a personal project or anything for myself ever again. The other was that life would be the same, and I could continue doing everything as before, and just bring the baby along. Rationally, I knew that neither of these was accurate, but I was unable to imagine what a happy medium might look like.

I am glad to report that (given many things which are not givens for too many people)* the happy medium is, for the most part, quite happy. To my great delight, I can do anything with the Squid I could do without the Squid. Not for as long, or at the same times. Not as much of it in as little time, or in the same way...but I can. I can go out to lunch with friends, go to demonstrations, run errands, see movies, take short trips, take long trips, make friends, sleep, take walks/short hikes, read books, have an online life, do housework, and enjoy my marriage. And I get to do it all with a Squid! I even have a more active and varied life since he came along, since he does not, for some reason, enjoy sitting around and typing all day. I can't imagine why not...

The next phase of Squid/life integration has now begun - I'm back at work as of yesterday, so new challenges and new experiences will no doubt be thick on the ground. Wish us luck!

* Health, wealth, paid maternity leave, a supportive partner who takes the Squid 3-4 hours a day, understanding friends, helpful family nearby, a liberal state where I can nurse almost anywhere in public without getting stared at or asked to leave, &etc.