Squidbits
On progress: The Squid is three months old today, and he can smile, and find his mouth with his fist, and focus on toys and books, and recognize people, and track dogs and objects in motion. He occasionally sleeps through the night (for values of "through the night" equal to ~6 hours at a stretch) and seems to be partially growing out of his colic - there are whole hours of the day in which he is awake and not miserable, these days. It feels miraculous to have that alert time that is not spent either staving off or enduring howling, and Himself and I are looking forward to more of it as he gets less gassy. He has more than doubled his birthweight (almost 14 pounds now) and his eyes have completed their color change from blue to brown. His face is so mobile - he has a million expressions now. I think after his smile I love his pout-face best.
On sleep: The only recipe for somnambulance greater than being the parent of a newborn is being the parent of a newborn and also suffering from insomnia. Envy me, because I am just that awesome. I found an article through a friend's blog that suggests that perhaps babies monitor parents' sleep patterns and react to them. I sure as hell hope not, because hours of tossing and turning makes me a crappy role model for sleep.
So I complained to my friend S that I was having insomnia issues.
"The baby's sleeping fine, most nights," I said, "and I could get a full night's sleep if only I could get to sleep."
"Oh," she said, "Are you having trouble putting yourself down?"
After I finished with the helpless laughter, it occurred to me that it's not far from the truth. I've tried self-soothing, I've tried extra blankets and white noise, and I've tried nursing myself down with a beer. I've even tried to cry it out a time or two. Maybe I need me an adult-size vibrating bouncy chair like the one that works so well for the Squid.
On watching my big mouth:
Scene: The family is sitting around the den, eating dinner and hanging out.
On self-revelations: Parenthood, I can see, is going to be like a mirror that shows me lots of truths about myself that I did not want to recognize. The most recent unwelcome revelation being that I do not like it when people expect things of me, or demand things of me. I prefer all of my giving to be done in a way that makes me look generous and thoughtful, not in a well-of-course way that can be taken for granted. I don't think this is one of those things that disqualifies me from being a good parent - I think it's probably fairly human, all in all - but it's not pretty, and it's something I have to watch now that someone does expect and demand so very much from me so very constantly. I handle this, as everything, with better grace when I've had enough sleep, but I can't count on those conditions being maintained. I need to develop grace under pressure, as well.
On chaos: The Squid had his first half-day at daycare with A on Tuesday, and I have returned to work as of Thursday. He'll have his first plane flight Saturday morning. As a matter of fact, our schedule for the week:
On life: I had two conflicting ideas, before the Squid came along, about what life with him might be like. One was that everything would stop - I would never be able to go out or do a personal project or anything for myself ever again. The other was that life would be the same, and I could continue doing everything as before, and just bring the baby along. Rationally, I knew that neither of these was accurate, but I was unable to imagine what a happy medium might look like.
I am glad to report that (given many things which are not givens for too many people)* the happy medium is, for the most part, quite happy. To my great delight, I can do anything with the Squid I could do without the Squid. Not for as long, or at the same times. Not as much of it in as little time, or in the same way...but I can. I can go out to lunch with friends, go to demonstrations, run errands, see movies, take short trips, take long trips, make friends, sleep, take walks/short hikes, read books, have an online life, do housework, and enjoy my marriage. And I get to do it all with a Squid! I even have a more active and varied life since he came along, since he does not, for some reason, enjoy sitting around and typing all day. I can't imagine why not...
The next phase of Squid/life integration has now begun - I'm back at work as of yesterday, so new challenges and new experiences will no doubt be thick on the ground. Wish us luck!
* Health, wealth, paid maternity leave, a supportive partner who takes the Squid 3-4 hours a day, understanding friends, helpful family nearby, a liberal state where I can nurse almost anywhere in public without getting stared at or asked to leave, &etc.
On sleep: The only recipe for somnambulance greater than being the parent of a newborn is being the parent of a newborn and also suffering from insomnia. Envy me, because I am just that awesome. I found an article through a friend's blog that suggests that perhaps babies monitor parents' sleep patterns and react to them. I sure as hell hope not, because hours of tossing and turning makes me a crappy role model for sleep.
So I complained to my friend S that I was having insomnia issues.
"The baby's sleeping fine, most nights," I said, "and I could get a full night's sleep if only I could get to sleep."
"Oh," she said, "Are you having trouble putting yourself down?"
After I finished with the helpless laughter, it occurred to me that it's not far from the truth. I've tried self-soothing, I've tried extra blankets and white noise, and I've tried nursing myself down with a beer. I've even tried to cry it out a time or two. Maybe I need me an adult-size vibrating bouncy chair like the one that works so well for the Squid.
On watching my big mouth:
Scene: The family is sitting around the den, eating dinner and hanging out.
Squid: *big, broad baby smile*
Me: "Oh, I love your smiles! They are so great! They are like crack to me! Do it again!"
Himself: ...
Me: ???
Himself: ...
Me: (to Squid, in a cutesypoo baby voice) "Do you know what 'crack' is, honey?"
Himself: "Oh my God."
On self-revelations: Parenthood, I can see, is going to be like a mirror that shows me lots of truths about myself that I did not want to recognize. The most recent unwelcome revelation being that I do not like it when people expect things of me, or demand things of me. I prefer all of my giving to be done in a way that makes me look generous and thoughtful, not in a well-of-course way that can be taken for granted. I don't think this is one of those things that disqualifies me from being a good parent - I think it's probably fairly human, all in all - but it's not pretty, and it's something I have to watch now that someone does expect and demand so very much from me so very constantly. I handle this, as everything, with better grace when I've had enough sleep, but I can't count on those conditions being maintained. I need to develop grace under pressure, as well.
On chaos: The Squid had his first half-day at daycare with A on Tuesday, and I have returned to work as of Thursday. He'll have his first plane flight Saturday morning. As a matter of fact, our schedule for the week:
- Tuesday: drop off Squid with A for "trial run" daycare half-day; try valiantly to read and absorb 400-page work document in four hours. Fail.
- Wednesday: new parents group in the South Bay in the a.m., Vallejo in the afternoon, drop off Squid with my-mother-God-bless-her, Napa in the evening for part of a freelance project.
- Thursday: first day officially back at work - drive to LA in early a.m., drop off Squid at drop-in infant care, facilitate public meeting, pick up Squid, visit Grammy.
- Friday: drop off Squid at drop-in infant care, meet with people for part of (another) freelance project, pick up Squid, visit Grammy, catch up with work email, read the rest of 400-page monster document.
- Saturday: fly to Portland for college reunion, lunch with friends, dinner with alumni.
- Sunday: brunch with friends, rest of the day with friend S.
- Monday: fly to Sacramento, facilitate public meeting (my-mother-God-bless-her wrangles Squid), drive to Vallejo, pick up car, drive to South Bay, collapse.
On life: I had two conflicting ideas, before the Squid came along, about what life with him might be like. One was that everything would stop - I would never be able to go out or do a personal project or anything for myself ever again. The other was that life would be the same, and I could continue doing everything as before, and just bring the baby along. Rationally, I knew that neither of these was accurate, but I was unable to imagine what a happy medium might look like.
I am glad to report that (given many things which are not givens for too many people)* the happy medium is, for the most part, quite happy. To my great delight, I can do anything with the Squid I could do without the Squid. Not for as long, or at the same times. Not as much of it in as little time, or in the same way...but I can. I can go out to lunch with friends, go to demonstrations, run errands, see movies, take short trips, take long trips, make friends, sleep, take walks/short hikes, read books, have an online life, do housework, and enjoy my marriage. And I get to do it all with a Squid! I even have a more active and varied life since he came along, since he does not, for some reason, enjoy sitting around and typing all day. I can't imagine why not...
The next phase of Squid/life integration has now begun - I'm back at work as of yesterday, so new challenges and new experiences will no doubt be thick on the ground. Wish us luck!
* Health, wealth, paid maternity leave, a supportive partner who takes the Squid 3-4 hours a day, understanding friends, helpful family nearby, a liberal state where I can nurse almost anywhere in public without getting stared at or asked to leave, &etc.
posted by The Stute Fish at 16:09
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