Interesting side effects of not being depressed, or, extreme navel-gazing
I am a little afraid of this okay person I am. I mean, I feel like myself again, very much so. I feel more okay and alive than I have in a long time. That is all to the good.
But I am so very flighty and distractable.
I have always been flighty and distractable, so this is not precisely new. But for almost half a year now, I have been so...grounded. I have gotten almost everything I needed to do done, and usually well, on time, efficiently. I liked it. I literally said to people, "This is the person I have always wanted to be." I usually followed that up with, "So why am I so unhappy?" but in some regards, I meant it. My poor time management and lack of focus have been, after my depression, the two things that have had the largest negative impact on my life. And I had finally licked them.
And now it turns out that I have not learned and grown into my better self after all. It was just bad brain chemistry.
I can feel the chaos creeping back in. I had friends over to decorate the tree this weekend...and had planned so poorly that we barely got the tree up before they had to leave. I have overdrawn my bank account and paid overdraft fees for the first time in possibly years. I have not mailed my holiday cards. I spent a large portion of my last two work weeks surfing the internets and writing short fiction. I discovered last night when I went to pick up the takeout that I have lost my bank card. I discovered this evening when I came home that I had "stored" the leftover takeout in the sink overnight. (?!) I blew off a deadline four days ago that I still have not met, and I almost don't care. I have not kept up my daily charts/lists of things to do.
Even the happiness is not an unmitigated blessing. I have a friend who wrote that when she got off methadone and felt like herself again, she talked too much too fast too loud, laughed too brightly. I can see myself doing it - I talk too loud, move too fast, and I wander abruptly in and out of conversational topics, but I can't stop it. I said "shit" twice in meetings today. I laughed and talked more than anyone at the company holiday party. I have always been afraid that I am a little too much, and now I am more of myself. It unnerves me.
Is that the choice, then? Grim, anxious efficiency versus breezy ditziness? The feeling that if one small thing goes undone, I will crack and fall apart and everyone will see, versus being a flaky, cheerful, inefficient person?
I don't want to have to choose. I want to be happy and competent at the same time. This is not fair.
...And I spent enough time writing this that I had to stay late at work to finish what I needed to do, and couldn't to go to the gym after all. Case in point.
But I am so very flighty and distractable.
I have always been flighty and distractable, so this is not precisely new. But for almost half a year now, I have been so...grounded. I have gotten almost everything I needed to do done, and usually well, on time, efficiently. I liked it. I literally said to people, "This is the person I have always wanted to be." I usually followed that up with, "So why am I so unhappy?" but in some regards, I meant it. My poor time management and lack of focus have been, after my depression, the two things that have had the largest negative impact on my life. And I had finally licked them.
And now it turns out that I have not learned and grown into my better self after all. It was just bad brain chemistry.
I can feel the chaos creeping back in. I had friends over to decorate the tree this weekend...and had planned so poorly that we barely got the tree up before they had to leave. I have overdrawn my bank account and paid overdraft fees for the first time in possibly years. I have not mailed my holiday cards. I spent a large portion of my last two work weeks surfing the internets and writing short fiction. I discovered last night when I went to pick up the takeout that I have lost my bank card. I discovered this evening when I came home that I had "stored" the leftover takeout in the sink overnight. (?!) I blew off a deadline four days ago that I still have not met, and I almost don't care. I have not kept up my daily charts/lists of things to do.
Even the happiness is not an unmitigated blessing. I have a friend who wrote that when she got off methadone and felt like herself again, she talked too much too fast too loud, laughed too brightly. I can see myself doing it - I talk too loud, move too fast, and I wander abruptly in and out of conversational topics, but I can't stop it. I said "shit" twice in meetings today. I laughed and talked more than anyone at the company holiday party. I have always been afraid that I am a little too much, and now I am more of myself. It unnerves me.
Is that the choice, then? Grim, anxious efficiency versus breezy ditziness? The feeling that if one small thing goes undone, I will crack and fall apart and everyone will see, versus being a flaky, cheerful, inefficient person?
I don't want to have to choose. I want to be happy and competent at the same time. This is not fair.
...And I spent enough time writing this that I had to stay late at work to finish what I needed to do, and couldn't to go to the gym after all. Case in point.
posted by The Stute Fish at 20:23
4 Comments:
This might be too simplistic, but it seems like there are tools you can use to get stuff done. Committing to writing everything down, pacing breaks based on work or time spent on something, whatever those things are that make things happen for you.
Love to you.
That's the kind of trick I've never been able to implement - and then the last half year or so I could, and it worked! I have never been and will never be organically organized, but for a brief shining moment I could at least corral myself into doing things with those kinds of tools. Of course, then I was also miserable all the time.
Maybe it's just a temporary euphoria, or the holidays, or something, but I have a sneaking feeling not.
Hugs.
Be cheerful and inefficient! There are too few truly cheerful people in the world.
I find I become more of myself everyday and that makes people nervous (too serious too focused too dry of a humor). I find it empowering to be more of myself, means I'm less of other people and it makes me free to laugh, mwahahaha.
I once stored carrots in the freezer overnight. I do not recommend this. Carrots turn disgusting when they melt, little blobs of slimy orange substance.
-Anon
GROSS about the carrots. :D
And the meds seem to have evened out a bit, and I'm back to efficiency, thank God. It helps, too, that the holidays are over and there is less to do.
As for being more of myself - I was thinking about this Friday, and I think I am finally getting old enough that my social faux pas and quirks are getting passed off as eccentricities (if not lovable, at least tolerable) rather than defects of character. I was enthusing at my co-worker about this map of the moon that has the different mineral compositions marked out that I had gotten for Christmas, and she looked at me and said, "You're a little weird, you know that?" but she said it with affection, and it doesn't seem to affect peoples' conception of me at work as a competent professional. So fuck it, sometimes I'm a little loud and inappropriate. At this point, everyone seems to be used to it, if not totally resigned.
Post a Comment
<< Home