Don't hate me for what I am about to tell you.

Last week I had the unprecedented - and likely unrepeatable - experience of finishing everything on my to-do lists. At home. At work. Everything. I did it, and then I looked for the next thing, because there is always a next thing. But there wasn't. Not even a load of laundry to be done. I sat my ass down and caught up on my Final Fantasy XII game in a state of dazed shock. I mean, holy shit, right?

That shining moment was a long time in the making, and came about as a result of the fortuitous convergence of four factors, some situational, some personal. I wrote them down, because I wanted to think about it, and I think better in text; and now I bore you to death with navel-gazing share them with you.

1. I have become more efficient. The chaos of my early medication switch that I posted about last month has settled, and I'm back to a high level of functionality-sans-misery. I've been trying all my life to be a more focused, directed, organized person, and while I'm still far from the ideal, I'm doing okay by my personal standards. I knock off a cool 50% of my everyday "try to" charts and I get my work done to a level I'm satisfied with. I've been wanting to be where I am now on this kind of thing all my life, and I feel pretty good about it, though the days when it falls through feel worse now, because I know I'm capable of more.
   
   
2. My workflow is uneven. Due to the fact that my direct supervisor is at another office and too busy to delegate properly, my workflow at the new job has largely been a matter of supplementing the scant few things he sends me with other projects of my own discovery or devising. This has led to an extremely uneven workflow, one that has me twiddling my thumbs some weeks and breaking my brain others, and fluctuating wildly between doing menial admin work and learning new areas of my field overnight. I have high hopes that it will even out soon, but I've been harboring those for a while, so we shall see. People around here are talking like the promotion I have applied for is a done deal, but committees work in mysterious ways and I won't believe it until I hear official word; I'm not sure that a different title will fix the workflow issues anyway.
   
   
3. I have become better at letting things go. "Everything on my to-do list" does not include many things that it once would have. It does not include, for example, completion of my leisure pursuits (e.g., finishing every knitting or craft project I have started, every blog post I have been thinking about, or every piece of writing I have begun.) Neither does it include bringing ongoing projects up to date (e.g., clearing my personal email inbox - though I got it down to <10, go me - rating my whole iTunes library, or getting all of my loose photos, addresses, and memorabilia into the correct books.) It does not include things I would like to do with my life that I have not yet tackled (e.g., volunteering for the Obama campaign, getting my next Master's degree, losing fifteen pounds, or writing a novel.) I am okay with not having those things done. I haven't let them go in the sense that I don't ever plan to do them; rather, I have let go the anxiety and stress of feeling that I must do them. I'd like to. I hope to. But if I don't, it will be fine.
   
   
4. I have become better at not taking things on. This is largely a function of more than a decade of wrestling with depression. I've learned, slowly and painfully, that just because I am capable of doing something one week does not ever guarantee that the next week will not find me broken and unable to cope with more than basic survival in my current commitments. I try to calibrate my life so that I can break a dozen times a year, at minimum, and not fail at anything major. This means I'm not taking online courses, that I haven't been pushing to publish and network within my professional organizations, that I haven't committed to more freelance work, and that I haven't gotten pregnant again. It's taken me thirty-odd years, but I seem to have gotten a decent sense of my own limitations.

Not all of these things are unmitigated positives. Being more efficient means that sometimes life feels like one long to-do list, and I don't read as many books, see as many friends, or play as much as I once did. A steady workflow was one of the things I specifically asked about in all my job interviews, because I hate not being busy and on-again-off-again chaos. Knowing my limitations and letting things go limits the scope and breadth of things I do and keeps me from pushing past my boundaries to test my potential. But I think, on balance, they swing toward the good end of the scale. They got me the golden moment of perfect rest I have been dreaming of for years, after all.

It didn't last, of course. I volunteered for some things at work, and got others dumped on me. The laundry and the dishes got dirty again (as they do), I remembered a few things I wanted to take care of this week, my email inboxes filled back up, and I made more plans. I don't ever expect to see that kind of clean plate again in my life; it's a ridiculous goal, and one of the things I need to let go in order to be a happier person. I worked toward that moment for two years, in fits and starts; it didn't happen overnight, and it probably wasn't worth the anxiety and effort I put into it, overall.

But it was here. For about two or three days, at the end of each day, I sat down, had some cookies and beer, and played video games with a clear conscience and an easy mind. And that's really something.