Tantrum
I have hit a wall. I am so fucking tired of being tired.
I am tired of using all my saved sick leave (which should have gone to pay for the first week of my maternity leave, which will now be entirely unpaid) on doctor's appointments and extra sleep and staying home with a sick kiddo.
I am tired of spending all my saved vacation (which other people get to use for, you know, vacation) curled up asleep under my desk at work and still being fatigued and useless all the time.
I am tired of being uncomfortable and huge and having trouble sleeping and bending over and breathing and eating and being kicked from the inside all the time.
I'm tired of being disappointed in my professional performance and disappointing others because I'm so fucking exhausted and I have to take so much time off and my higher-order thinking processes are halfway offline even when I am at my desk.
I'm tired of having to ask for help, and I'm tired of still not getting the help I need because I need more help than I feel I can ask for or than other people can provide.
I'm tired of being a shitty mother because I'm too overtaxed and overwhelmed to be patient and engaged.
I'm tired of being resentful that this process and all of the bullshit it entails necessarily falls on me. I am sick of having my biology determine pretty much all the major parameters of my life.
I'm tired of being constantly aware that I should be grateful to have such first-world, upper-class problems. I'm tired of knowing I'm essentially being a whiny little bitch about everything.
I'm just tired.
I am tired of using all my saved sick leave (which should have gone to pay for the first week of my maternity leave, which will now be entirely unpaid) on doctor's appointments and extra sleep and staying home with a sick kiddo.
I am tired of spending all my saved vacation (which other people get to use for, you know, vacation) curled up asleep under my desk at work and still being fatigued and useless all the time.
I am tired of being uncomfortable and huge and having trouble sleeping and bending over and breathing and eating and being kicked from the inside all the time.
I'm tired of being disappointed in my professional performance and disappointing others because I'm so fucking exhausted and I have to take so much time off and my higher-order thinking processes are halfway offline even when I am at my desk.
I'm tired of having to ask for help, and I'm tired of still not getting the help I need because I need more help than I feel I can ask for or than other people can provide.
I'm tired of being a shitty mother because I'm too overtaxed and overwhelmed to be patient and engaged.
I'm tired of being resentful that this process and all of the bullshit it entails necessarily falls on me. I am sick of having my biology determine pretty much all the major parameters of my life.
I'm tired of being constantly aware that I should be grateful to have such first-world, upper-class problems. I'm tired of knowing I'm essentially being a whiny little bitch about everything.
I'm just tired.
posted by The Stute Fish at 10:36
1 Comments:
I know you know this, but this is all pretty normal (the tired part, not the sick leave/vacation part). I spent a big chunk of my third trimester moaning on the couch because leaning over to tie my shoes led to contractions, or some such foolishness. It now feels very far away and hard to access, even though I KNOW it was so intense. Which is just to say that this too will pass (along with the joys and pains of having an infant again) and you will make it through. Imperfectly, as we all do, but you will make it.
I also know it sucks NOW. I so get that.
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